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The Cynical Libertarian Society
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The Cynical Libertarian Society
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I read with great interest the story in today's (Sunday, 21 September 1997) Greeley Tribune regarding "UNC looking for its identity". It seems the university is trying to "find itself". It seems there was "a lively discussion in West Greeley about UNC's mission and purpose". I would like to offer a few suggestions.
I'm certain that this identity crisis is deep rooted in some childhood trauma. Most likely UNC's father was either an alcoholic or he beat the university when it was growing up. Perhaps UNC should go on the Oprah Windbag show. UNC could then be "The First University on Oprah Winfree". Has a ring to it, don't ya think?
I read that UNC is worried about its computer system and the vulnerability of such. When I went to school (back in the dark ages) the teachers had little grade books that they carried around. At night they simply took the things home. UNC could proclaim that it is "The University that doesn't know better than to put sensitive information on a computer that can be accessed by numerous remote terminals". Yea, I know, I don't understand the modern electronics age, I don't understand that it's necessary to educate people that students and instructors alike be at the mercy of machines because they can't keep and organize information on their own. There was also a bit in that Tribune article about the threat of someone uncovering "sensitive financial information". Makes me rather curious as to what sort of "sensitive" funding they are doing. Cattle futures maybe? Five hundred doller toilet seats? Never mind, different subject.
In another Tribune article I ran across a whole batch of options. We have college students telling the people who live around their sorority house to move if they don't like the girls boozing it up. How about "The University of the rude, spoiled and obnoxious". UNC and Greeley police must form a Party Patrol. How about "The University which requires baby sitters". Later in the story we learn how UNC students drop their drinks in order to avoid getting busted. Here's one, "The University of students who are not slick enough to avoid getting busted for underage drinking, even on private property". My vote for UNC's identity however, is this one. Kevin Cadora, 23 years old, is quoted as saying "We have our First Amendment right to have fun and assemble peacefully." I'm not sure which First Amendment grants the right to have fun, so I think UNC should be "The University where the students have avoided exposure to the Constitution and the Bill of Rights". Then there is Brian Weibler, 21 years old, who says in regard to the police breaking up their "parties", "The police are hurting themselves by doing this, and you're going to see the number of DUIs go up." How about "The University of students who think that it's the fault of the police when they get drunk and drive their car".
On a personal experience note, as I was walking across campus one evening, a pickup truck with four people in back pulled into the parking lot. The passengers disembarked, and with much holloring and noise ran to the doors of a building and removed some posted flyer (I have no idea what the flyers were about). By this time the people in the cab of the truck were blowing the horn and shouting for the others to hurry up so they could go. Is this what passes for a covert operation at UNC? I suppose this may be a good thing. No UNC student will ever be a suscessful terrorist. I can see them walking into an airport shouting "I HAVE A BOMB, I HAVE A BOMB." How about "The University where students don't know they are less likely to get caught if they are quiet".
Now to turn to my favorite source of UNC antics, The Mirror, for a few more ideas. I see that one student showed up for the EEE forum, while 130 showed up at something called CoPIRG, intending to save the Earth or something like that. How about "The University of confused priorities".
I recall a UNC police report in which two, that's 2, UNC police allowed one, that's 1, person who was sniffing paint to escape from them, even after this person was actually in their custody. How about "The University where you can feel safe at night".
As I draw this to a close, the ROTC (in case you wonder, I was a soldier in a light infantry unit thank you, so I am entitled to make the following statements, I didn't go to college and dress up playing army man) is honoring MIAs and POWs by flying the flag of the country who's government and citizens abandoned them and left them to die. How about "The University that just doesn't get it".
In closing, since I know how many people are offended by this, how about "The University where freedom of speech only applies to people that say things The University agrees with".