Battle of the Sexes - Part 187

RELATIONSHIPS:  
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots".  Then she will get on with her life. A man has
a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up,
at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just
wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I
want you to know that there's always a chance for us."  This is
known as the "I Hate You I Love You"  drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community
colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. 
 
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40
seconds of foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as
part of the foreplay. 
 
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out. 
 
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women.  This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. 
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women. 

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.  The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of
these items. 
 
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the store and buys these things.  A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.  After
drinking the beer, he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything
that looks good.  By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on
Beverly Hillbillies.  Of course, this will not stop him from
going to the 10-items-or-less lane. 
 
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats. 
 
OFFSPRING:
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in
the house. 
 
DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man
will dress up for:  weddings, funerals. 
 
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty
sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of
clothes to the Laundromat.  Men always expect to meet beautiful
women at the Laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs
of old American sitcoms. 
 
EATING OUT:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.  When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators. 
 
MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.  Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any
shiny surface:  mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's
head. 
 
MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual.  Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he
buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. 
 
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women. 
 
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.
 
TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of
their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply
become more expensive and silly and impractical.  Examples of
men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car phones.  Complicated
juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that
serve cocktails on command.  Video games. Anything that blinks,
beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"  batteries to operate. 
 
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women.  They know about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women.  Women talk about only one thing in locker rooms:
sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely
graphic and technical, and they never lie. 
 
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene.  This is because every movie in the history of movies has
been produced by a man.  Men will only show their asses, because
ass size doesn't really matter. 
 
JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will
look like a lounge singer named Ramone.
 
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says
the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays. 
 
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.  Men on a guy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are
"Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" 
 
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges.  Men in restrooms will never speak
a word to each other.  Women who've never met will leave a
restroom giggling together like old friends.  And never in the
history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do
you want to join me?"