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Plot: Does it actually have one?
Plot Holes: Does the plot make sense and hold up to reality?
Characters: Are the characters real and believable? Are their
motivations sound?
Cinematography: Do the people involved know how to use a camera &
lighting?
Soundtrack: Does the music help the movie?
Muffins: Does the movie have hot chycks wearing little clothing?
Actors: Does the movie have real actors and has-beens/wanna-bes?
Action: How much ass kicking, explosions, war & death will this movie
dish up?
Chyck Flick: How much you bitch will enjoy this film, and how much you
will hate it.
Historical Importance: Will it matter 50 years from now, or does it
still matter after X number of years?
Other Stuff: Any other ratings that may apply to this film.
A future movie review.
What you need to know:
Skip Dogg Says: "Something...."
Bowling for Columbine by Michael Moore
What you need to know: Just when Moore is about to say something intelligent he goes off the deep end. Cooked statistics, faulty logic and guesswork are what make up this movie. Moore is a master at creating something that looks like a documentary. Of course all the footage is edited and assembled to make him & his cause look good. You can't blame him for that however, any sane person would do the same thing. I was especially looking forward to the interview with Heston which I had heard so much about. Granted, Heston didn't come out smelling like a rose, and that is his fault for not being prepared. I mean hell, he had notice that Moore was coming. I don't think it was that damning of Heston however. Not the embarrassment I was lead to expect.
Skip Dogg Says: You should see this movie, just don't believe everything you see.
Matrix Reloaded
What you need to know: "You don't really know someone until you fight them." This, and other lines, will keep you laughing & rolling on the floor. The fight scenes (especially the first fight between Neo & the Smiths) look like bad computer games. The plot, such as it is, is nothing exciting. Keanu Reeves still can't act. While The Matrix survived his limitations due to the fact that it was original & interesting, Matrix Reloaded can not. Then there is the "rave scene" which I heard oh so much about. It was boring. Thank the gods for fast forward. And am I the only one who is already sick of the slow motion fight & action scenes? Enough already.
Skip Dogg Says: A complete waste of time.
Underworld. 121 minutes, 2003
What you need to know: On the positive side: No CGI, it's all wire
work or men in suits, and I can respect that. The scenes of the
vampires gathering in the house are elegant and worth checking out.
The vampire society created in the film is interesting and would have
been worth more exploration I thought. The plot & devices are somewhat
original, the characters are not stereotypical good or evil. The
action sequences are well filmed and performed, The romance is kept to
a minimum.
What's it got against it? Well, in the long run, kind of boring.
This movie is a gothic's wet dream & after a while that gets old.
Where are the female werewolves? Are they a homosexual culture? Do
they reproduce only by biting mortals? Why are the vampire elders
"leapfrogging" thru time? Was this only put in the movie for the cool
special effects it produced? I wanted answers to these questions and
more.
The action was OK, but just not amazing.
Skip Dogg Says: Worth a look, but not going to blow you away regardless of what the reviews on the package say.
Pieces of April, 2003, 1:20 running time.
What you need to know: In the spirit of total honesty I got this mainly because it has Katie in it. I heard it was good so was willing to chance it. I'm glad I did. Very enjoyable movie. Great characters, great motivation, believable situations and responses. Nice plot. It has meaning without getting sappy, moralistic and trying to make you cry. My only complaint is that the sex scene struck me as a bit gratuitous. I think they could have left that out and it still would have been just fine.
Skip Dogg Says: "You should see this movie, even if you are not a chyck."
Vertigo, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, 1958,
colour, James Stewart & Kim Novak
What you need to know: Reputation precedes this film. Like many of Hitchcocks films this seems to almost be two movies, one before the suicide/murder, a different movie after. The first movie I liked, the second movie I'm not so sure about. I felt the second half moved too quickly. There were some time passages that left you behind for a few moments, and things seemed rushed to me at times. Overall a good movie tho. I appreciate that he could carry off such long stretches of the movie with no dialogue. Movie makers still can't figure out that someone doesn't have to be running their mouth every moment of the film.
Skip Dogg Says: "Watch this and continue to learn from The Great One."
The Battleship Potemkin -- Sovexport Film ;
directed by Sergei Eisenstein
What you need to know: A Soviet made film about the Russian Revolution. The crew of the Battleship Potemkin rises up to join the workers in the revolution. This is a silent film which made great strides in its day for the art of cinematography. In a few places it does go on a bit too long, lingering for effect after the effect is over. On the whole however this is a good film which shows how the films styles we see today evolved.
Skip Dogg Says: "If you are serious about cinematography and the history of movies you should see this film."
The Homecoming (1973, directed by Peter Hall,
staring Vivien Merchant and Ian Holm)
What you need to know: The Homecoming is written by Harold Pinter. A very famous and well know playwright. The Homecoming is also an example of why normal people don't go to the theatre. This play is so bad. This production is so bad. The acting (as if there were any acting) is so bad. I love Ian Holm. Loved him in Alien, loved him in Time Bandits, loved him in King Lear. But Ian, and everyone else stumbles thru this play making damn sure they don't actually do or say anything in such a way that might convey emotion. This was one of the most painful things I have ever watched.
Skip Dogg Says: Avoid this at all cost. Having a 2X4 shoved up your ass is less painful than this.
the old rankings (worst to best) system which is used on the rest of
this page:
"Can you say shit?"
"Chyck Flyck."
"Watch it at someone else's house, if they have beer."
"Check it out from the library."
"Rent it."
"Buy it."
Red Planet. (2000)
The main reason I have wanted to see this movie is Carrie-Anne Moss. She was pretty hot in Matrix and I was hoping for a nude scene, since most movies have those to disguise the fact that they don't have plots or characters. The main reason I have been avoiding this movie is Val Kilmer. I think this guy took acting lessons at the same place as Keanu Mono-emotion Reeves. I stumbled across it at the library and decided to take a chance.
Well, there is all the usual . . . Bad science. Who designed that space ship? It has rotating rings to create gravity, but none of the ship interior appears to be inside the rings based on the architecture. The landers . . . How the hell was that suppose to take off again? This solar flare thing? Come on kids. Yea, and Kilmer's escape from the planet. So this Russian probe just happens to be landed in just the right place that when he launches he is right in the orbital path of the spaceship so Carrie-Anne can rescue him. What are the chances. Z-fucking-row. I thought the robot was going to try to kill them because it was damaged when it got dumped during the landing. No. The robot is trying to kill them because they were going to deactivate (kill) it. Who would make a robot that will kill people if they try to turn it off. Geez. Oh, the whole Carrie rescues Val scene was terrible and silly. Why slam back into the bay? Use the retros to slow down dumb ass. It wouldn't have taken any longer. She does TV CPR on him, beating on his chest. All this money on a space craft and they couldn't buy any portable defibrillators? Hello! Then, the computer tells Carrie "stand him up" after he has come to. They are in zero-g. First, you can't pound someone's chest in zero-g. You would fly away from them when you hit them. Second, why stand him up? It's zero-g. There is no "up". You would think the computer which runs the ship would understand zero-g concepts.
Ok, can I say anything good about Red Planet. Well . . . Carrie-Anne Moss. It was not as pretentious as Mission To Mars (a terrible movie). Ummm... Some of the technology was interesting. Did I mention Carrie-Anne?
Skip Dogg Says: "Watch it at someone else's house, if they have beer" unless you want to boink Carrie-Anne Moss, then get it from the library.
The Birds (1963 - 2 hours - colour)
Alfred Hitchcock. Genius? Some might say yes, some might say no.
This movie will not solve the debate, that's for sure. It can only add
fuel to the fire. I hadn't seen The Birds in many moons, so when I
stumbled across it at the library I snagged it. At first you are going
to wonder when the terror starts. These days we are use to horror
movies in which someone dies, or has sex, or has sex then dies in the
first 20 minutes. In the really good horror movies someone dies, then
has sex, in the first 20 minutes. Well The Birds takes about 40
minutes for the first bird attack to take place. In fact, much like
Audition, this moves starts off as some sort of romantic comedy. It's
only in the last hour that the "horror" appears full force.
Of course, this is the classic Hitchcock suspense. Most of the
time it works to effect in this movie. Hitchcock achieves this by
making sure the audience knows more than the character. In The Birds
for example, the birds mass on the playground right behind the leading
lady, and she it unaware. We, the audience however, are aware and thus
the suspense.
Hitchcock really did some amazing stuff with film technology.
There are well over 300 "trick shots" done for this movie, and they
didn't have computers & CGI. It looks quite dated now in some places,
yet many of the effects hold up very well. Get The Birds on DVD and
check out All About The Birds in which you will discover how much of it
was done. The things they did with film are amazing. In addition much
of the work that looks like location was actually done using matt
paintings in the studio. There were a number of scenes which I never
would have guessed were matts.
The Birds also feature electronic music and at time features a lack
of music. Instead of using music Hitchcock often opted for silence or
the sound of bird wings & calls. It's very effective and goes to show
you don't need background music to make a movie interesting, you just
need characters and plot. In fact much of the movie has no dialogue
and reminds me of silent films. In fact, if you need dialogue to
figure out what is going on in a move, then the movie is not very well
made, directed and/or acted.
Also, you will get to see a 12/13 year old Veronica Cartwright.
She is a great actor and best known to me as Lambert in Alien (a movie
with seven great actors).
Of course, some will say the lack of dialogue, the slow pace in the
begining, the romantic aspects, the lack of music and all sorts of
other things are just what make Hitchcock a hack. Well, that's for you
to decide. My only problem with this movie is that sometimes the
characters do really dumb things, but then don't the people in horror
movies always do that? If they didn't, then the movie would be over
with too soon.
Skip Dogg Says: "Check it out from the library or rent it. If you are a Hitchcock fan, then it's a must buy."
M (1931 - Germany)
The first sound film directed by Fritz Lang brings us Peter Lorre as the cinema's first serial killer. You will find that I am partial to old films. I'll take characters and a compelling story over sex and explosions almost any day. This is a great film. Lorre is brilliant (as usual) as a child killer hunted not only by the police, but by the criminal underworld as well. It seems the professional criminals who kill only if they must have no taste for a man who kills children for pleasure. It's not so much a question of will the murderer be caught, but which faction will reach him first.
Skip Dogg Says: "Rent it."
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
I realize this is a movie aimed at 16 year old boys who buy computer games, but even in that context this movie is so bad. Did I say bad? Well bad hardly describes what I really feel. The predictable plot. The one dimensional characters. Angelina Jolie trying to act. The rest of the cast trying to act. I will grant you, it wasn't as bad as Denise Austin in Golden Eye (I think it was Golden Eye, which ever Bond movie) but it was pretty close. Jolie walking around half naked in Siberia because gods forbid her tits not get enough screen time. This movie was laughable down to the camera angels. No, I'm serious. There were times when I laughed out loud at the pans made by the camera. It was that bad. As to Angelina Jolie: She has huge lips, like a suction cup. You could stick her to a window like one of those Garfield dolls. And her face, she looks like a horse. The "action scenes" were silly. The so-called dialogue was like something a twelve year old would write. All around a bad, bad experience.
Skip Dogg says: "Watch it at someone else's house, if they have beer."
Captain's Paradise (1953):
Alec Guinness in a comedy. It didn't seem right to me, but I grabbed this anyway to check it out. Am I glad I did. Basic plot, Alec is the captain of the Golden Fleece, a ferry between Gibralter and Kalik. In Gibralter is his loving and domestic wife. In Kalik is his hot and wild mistress. Never shall the two meet. Yea right. This movie had a bit of a slow start, but after about the first 25 minutes I was rolling on the floor. No one on the ship knows about the Captain's wife, and when the First Mate has to come ashore to talk to the Captain and meets his wife one of the funniest scenes I've seen in ages results. This movie is what comedy is about. No fart jokes, no using "fuck" over and over. This is comedy. Watch it, study it, learn it.
Skip Dogg says: "Rent it."
Planet of the Apes (remake):
God this is so bad. I would insult the acting, if there were any.
Let's stick to the "plot" if that is what you would call something that
predictable and full of holes. Wow, did you guess that the apes
descended from the monkeys on the ship? Did you guess the little
monkey would come flying in during the big battle and fulfill the
prophecy? Did you guess that the "surprise" ending would be dork-ass
returning to an earth populated by apes? Well, had you read the
original Planet of the Apes book you would have guessed it,
because that's how the book ends. By the way, I highly recommend
reading the book -- in which I might add, the whole ape planet thing is
made plausible.
But let's ask ourselves some questions:
Skip Dogg says: "Can you say shit?"
Audition (2000, Japan):
Director Takashi Miike takes us into a world of love lost as Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) plays a father who has not dated since his wife died seven years ago. Like something from a romantic comedy his best friend (a television producer) sets up a series of auditions for a non-existing role in order to find Aoyama a girl. Things are ripping along, the laughs are coming, Aoyama hooks up with a charming you lady and starts to fall. Sure, there are some hints as the movie goes by that things are not what they seem, but the closer you get to the end the more you realize this romantic comedy is a horror movie. Now I have watched horror movies all my life. I love them. I can watch 'em then go in a dark room and be just fine. In fact only four movies have ever truly terrified me. Jaws. Alien. The Thing (1982, John Carpenter) and this one. By the time Audition was over I was cowering in my seat, knees over my chest and hands over my eyes. There were no monsters, no aliens, just people -- doing things that people could actually do in real life. And then there is that bag. That damn bag scared the shit out of me. Over and over. Every time it was on the screen. This movie is what horror is all about. Do not watch it alone.
Skip Dogg says: "Buy it."
Storytelling (2002, USA):
Director Todd Solondz gives us two stories called "Fiction" and "Non-Fiction". In "Fiction" a young college student ends up having sex with her creative writing teacher, but there is so much more to it than that. This is terrible politically incorrect. From the star-student engaging in bondage with the professor, to the "differently-abled" boyfriend and the stunning sex sequence where the black professor instructs his newest conquest to say "nigger fuck me" as he drills her. Watching the liberal Democrat student force herself (allow herself to be forced?) to utter the word "nigger" was the high point of the film. Depending on which version of this film you get the sex scene may or may not have a black bar over everything you would want to see. In "Non-Fiction" an independent filmmaker wants to document the life of an average high school student in his senior year. His motives are warped, he is warped, the family is warped and the ending is warped. Expect the unexpected. If you are easily offended do not watch this movie.
Skip Dogg says: "Rent it."
The Princess and the Warrior (2001, Gemany):
Tom Twyker (director of Run Lola Run) and Franka Potente (Lola from Run Lola Run) are back together. Franka plays Sissi, a nurse in a mental hospital. Her life is saved by Bodo. Bodo is crazy, criminal and destine to play a greater part in Sissi's life. Run Lola Run set the standard, and The Princess and the Warrior carries on. I highly recommend this movie. The visuals are amazing, dark and introspective. The plot takes it's time to unfold. This movie runs 135 minutes, but had it been made by an American it would have only lasted 90 minutes. Twyker does not rush things along. This movie unfolds slowly. If you are impatient, skip this one. This is a movie for kicking back and riding the tide.
Skip Dogg says "It is a little bit chyck flyck, but buy it."
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All images and writing copyright On The Fly Photography / Skippi, except where noted. These images may not be used for public display, altered or displayed on another web site without my permission. These essays, poetry & other forms of written word may be printed & distributed on paper so long as my e-mail address & web page address are on the paper.